Under the Big Tree

Loneliness. A friend.

2012-01-24T00:41:00.000+08:00

I am just tired of being lonely. I'm exhausted. fatigue fills every fiber in me. Frustration. Anger. I don't believe that anyone should be lonely. I can't accept it. Yes, I do have friends and family. But the company that has been eluding me since I was a kid had been… a lover. That is a BIG word. It possesses so many connotations, both good and bad. Positive and negative. Yet, the true meaning is the same. Someone whom you love and loves you back. Such a simple concept. Yet… so elusive.

I have no idea what I should do now. Like I said, I'm out of breath. I'm out of energy to pursue that holy grail of relationship. I am out of the race. And I am getting older. I do miss many people… too many in fact. Those whom I thought could become someone to share my life with. Alas, not a single one of them. They fled… a lot of times even before I opened my mouth. They just ran away. Trying to escape this monster in front of them. Couldn't believe their eyes, they ran and ran. Faster and faster towards the horizon. And I was left alone. Again.

Losing it

2012-01-21T23:51:00.001+08:00

Suddenly I've lost interest in everything. Don't like to watch movies anymore. Somehow reading makes me sleepy. Surfing the net seems tiring. I just cannot concentrate on anything anymore. What I know is how lonely I am. So lonely that it's as if I'm the only one on earth. Scary.

I realize that this is the beginning of a depression episode. Am I ready for another ride down the hill of life??

The forgotten pain

2012-01-15T21:52:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, I'd forgot about the pain of bipolar. Sometimes, that would be good. But today, it's not. I had been manic these past few days. So happy to get to kuala and got involved with the two groups I love most - wind orchestra and the prefects. The joy in helping them was spiritually sublime.

But then, the table turned when I got to kl. This was when my loneliness suddenly reared its head. Without any warning. And I got caught... unexpected. You might ask, what has loneliness got to do with my illness? Everything. For years, loneliness has been one of the major factors in my depression. A trigger. A cause.

And when this depression arrives, it'd be so painful that many times I just couldn't stand it anymore. Suicidal thoughts always follow loneliness. Hopelessness. Helplessness. It's just total chaos. Albeit a quiet one.

Drugs anyone?

2012-01-09T07:31:00.001+08:00

When the power of Lexapro and Epilim kicked in, I'd be transported into the land of dreams. It's the realm of slowness and grogginess. I'd be forgetful. Everything seems to be in slow motion. I hate it.

Revenge of the manic

2011-12-29T22:53:00.001+08:00

I guess that when I'm manic but there's something that bothers me, I would CHALLENGE it. And being avengeful towards it where in the end, I'd do something stupid.

Anatomy of Loneliness

2011-12-29T21:33:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I forget how lonely loneliness can be. Many times I just couldn't remember how devastating loneliness can become. More than a few occasions I witnessed that loneliness triggered my depression episodes.

Loneliness is such a cruel entity. It has no empathy. No sympathy. It doesn't possess any feelings. Loneliness is merciless. At least to me.

In my loneliness, I always find cruelty. With my loneliness, I always discover dishonesty. It is rabid. It is savage. The monstrosity called loneliness is so terrible that the nightmare always keep me company for nights in a row.

I wish that my loneliness could go away. But perhaps, if it did go, would a more terrible type of loneliness keep me company??

Time for a little manic

2011-12-29T21:14:00.001+08:00

After 3 weeks of hard-core-suicidal laced depression, I'm tasting a little manic today. Actually it started yesterday when I was offered a very incredible offer for a place to stay in kl. And of course, because I met someone new.

But sadly, my manic made me spent almost all the little money I had. And now I'm broke again! Shit!! Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I be like the rest? The normal people? I'm having difficulty adjusting with my depression, and the manic episodes... just make it worse.

Oh my mighty God... help me please :'(

Left alone

2011-12-26T23:33:00.001+08:00

I feel like a pariah. It's one of the worst moments in my life and I'm mostly left alone. I don't know whether they really hate me, fed up with me or just plain annoyed. But the fact is... they left me alone.

Come to think of it, I've always been left alone. When I was young, in my early 20s, I thought that I am a social misfit. It turned out that my illness did make me one. It's hard for people to understand me. It's difficult for them to connect to me. I could be charming but sooner than later, I could be so cold and detached.

Social life seems to evade me. And my personal life suffers. My loneliness seems to be unbearable during my best days :(

Why

2011-12-25T05:55:00.001+08:00

I am heartbroken. Truly, seriously, tremendously, absolutely HEARTBROKEN. I am devastated. I am ruined. Destroyed. Annihilated.

Why did you do it? :'(

It's been 3 weeks

2011-12-23T07:58:00.001+08:00

It's been 3 weeks since the tragedy. A tragedy that struck deep at the core of my soul. An incident that left me shaking all over and tears keep running every single day.

It hurts. It hurts so much that to describe the pain is futile. I can never get over this. Never. Not in a million years. Not ever.

To the responsible You, how could you do this to me. A fragile being, i am begging to be with you. Just want to be somebody to someone. It's something that I need. Why a sudden turn about? Why an abrupt stop. Why.

For now, I feel that I am bleeding. Will you be able to stop my blood from flowing out of my system? Would you allow this to become fatal? Would you have any mercy at all? Yes You. You.

Hate

2011-12-16T14:12:00.001+08:00

There's nothing more I can say.
I hate myself.
Tremendously.

Loneliness...

2011-11-03T14:46:00.001+08:00

Loneliness is such a cliched condition that a lot of times it'd be met with cynical laughter. It's a condition of hopelessness. It's a situation where no other means of not being alone has been exhausted. I hate being in that situation. But a lot of times, I found myself in there... alone.

Many people told me that 'it's all in my mind' and loneliness is a sign of weakness. But let me ask you this (and trying hard not to open up a pandora's box), why is it do bad to be weak? And what type of weakness that's frown upon? Is the weakness to feel down when alone is so bad? That somehow its putting oneself down so low that there's not even a hope to go back up again??

It just doesn't want to leave me alone

2011-10-27T14:56:00.001+08:00

Less than an hour ago I felt calm and contentment. I knew that I was feeling normal. But now... depression is creeping in. Slowly. Ever so swiftly. I have no idea what started it. I couldn't pin point on anything. Yet, this feeling is so strong and so affecting. I hate this feeling. It puts a scorn on my face. It droops my eyes. It shortens my temper. It just creates so much negativity in me. And I am hopeless against it. What I can do is to wait for the rage to pass :(

Normal

2011-10-27T12:28:00.001+08:00

I guess that I am normal today. And right now, what am I feeling? Contentment. Pure bliss of this life and what it has offered me so far. Gone is the feeling of hatred and loathing. Gone is the feeling of sadness. Gone is the feeling of overconfident. It's just nice now. Peaceful.

I'm Manic now

2011-10-25T18:07:00.000+08:00

A lot of my friends asked me what it feels like to be manic. Well, it's hard to describe actually. But I guess, let me just write down what I am feeling now. Right at this moment. I realized that I am attacked by the manic zombies a few hours ago, when I couldn't seem to be able to stop talking. I would just talk, talk, talk and keep on talking. From one topic to another. To whomever was there around me. And I would feel that my mind was racing; also from one topic to another. Trying to solve one problem and realizing that I have another problem, and my mind would drift to the newer set of problems without solving the previous one. Weird isn't it? And then, intermingling with these problems, which I somehow manage to handle with a big smile on my face, are the hopes and ideas. Ideas ranging from the truly modest to the outright bizarre. Like wanting to start directing movies hahaha (though right now, it seems VERY LIKELY that I would succeed).

My mind seems to be jumping all over the places. With glee. And the scary part is that, it's NOT ONLY my mind... my physical being is also infected by this optimism and happy bug. I feel like running, singing, dancing and scampering hahaha. The world has suddenly become so bright with enthusiasm and optimism :) Nothing seems to be able to destroy this feelings (though I realize how wrong I am about that). I am a happy, contented but ambitious ghoul. A ghoul, that's who I am... like Casper, the happy ghost hehe. Happy as a clam (why a clam? Beats me)

I believe that I should be leveraging this manic episodes and make full use of it. This would be the time to face customers and explore new grounds as I am fearless. But then, whenever I am manic, like right now, I would feel that my mind just cannot stay put. It seems to have a mind on its own (that's funny, considering that a 'mind' has 'a mind on its own' hahaha) I can't concentrate. I would make blunders and mistakes which I would not immediately regret, because at that time, I would be so optimistic that NOTHING could do me harm. Pergh... what a thought.

Well, there it is, and I'd better stop this as my mind has begun to fly and perch on something else... take care you all!!! And have a nice day!!! :)

Chaos

2011-10-23T15:06:00.001+08:00

If asked to explain what I'm feeling right now, I can say that it's a complete chaos. I'm feeling everything. One after another. Hate, love, frustration, amazement, lost, anger... all mixed up and interchangeable.

I seldom feel this way. Only lately, this unexplainable kind of feeling, tends to overwhelm me. It's sadistic to the core as I'm at total lost of who I am. It seems that I'm losing my identity. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know why I'm here. And I don't know what I should do.

I loathe this feelings. This feeling of uneasiness. Of uncertainty. Of total confusion. I hate myself for feeling this way. And I hate myself more for not being able to control it.

When two parties fight

2011-10-21T14:52:00.001+08:00

A lot of times, a rift between two parties is due to misunderstanding. A preventable cause I guess. It is sad when two parties begin to squabble. Accusations fly like there's no tomorrow. Paranoia rules the heart and the soul. Bad blood is definitely... bad.

Whenever two party quarrels, it's always those in between who feel the heat. Because those two parties are in their own worlds trying to outdo each other. It is the bystanders and those at the periphery who are caught between a rock and a hard place. No kidding.

the Pain

2011-10-14T19:23:00.003+08:00

It really hurts being a bipolar. When you're depressed, it hurts then and there. When you're manic, it hurts later due to the consequences of your actions. Right now I'm hurting because I'm seriously down. It's difficult to explain the kind of hurt that depression brings. It is profound.

I just realized that when you are a bipolar sufferer, you are using two dictionaries in your life - the positive words and the negative ones. It seems that the ordinary-generic-everybody-use dictionary has been thrown into the trash. It's an either-or world. Nothing in between. Just now, I overheard my parents talked about those who will be going for the pilgrimage to Mecca this year. The ONLY thing that crossed my mind at that time was how lucky they were and how unlucky I was. Then my mind would be more active with the notion that I could NEVER be like them, that I am doomed FOREVER. And of course, the envy that I can never be NORMAL like them. All this self pity flooded my mind and ushered me into a darker world.

I cannot think straight. The fact that I am writing this is beyond my understanding. My fingers are moving on this keyboard as if in an auto mode. I don't know what I am thinking. I certainly do not know what I am doing. For all I know, it's all gibberish.

But one thing that I can assure you of my feelings... it is Hurt. A total pain that cannot be described. It can only be felt. It can only be experienced. For this particular pain is like chipping one's own body, little by little, each passing day, until in the end, the body just disappears. And yet the worst part is that, the chipping pain continues....

When depression begins

2011-10-09T14:02:00.001+08:00

One thing that I hate whenever my depression takes me is the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and that sense of doom. I woke up today with that peculiar 'out of sorts' feeling. I was ok when I went to bed last night and it seems that suddenly, everything in my life is problematic.

Somehow, this morning, it dawned on me how f**ked up my life is... and has been. Today, even a simple thing becomes a burden. Every small thing becomes a big problem. Every smile is sinister or mocking. Everything is just plain wrong. And somehow, instead of solving these 'newfound' problems, I always have the tendency to make them worse.

I am tired. No, I'm exhausted.

So, it is not a 5

2011-10-05T14:02:00.001+08:00

Apple announced their latest iPhone incarnation last night, well, yesterday morning, at Cupertino. And it disappointed a lot of people. Haha. Well, they were expecting iPhone 5 or BOTH, the 5 and 4S. Hmmm... Am I disappointed?

Well, yes and no. Yes, because I'd been reading (and believing) all the rumors. I make a note to myself not to do this again. On hindsight, I'm surprised that none of the rumor mentioned that iPhone can make dinner for you. I was frustrated at first that the announcement did not :

1. Introduce iPhone 5. But then, what if apple were to name this iPhone 4S as iPhone 5? Would I be less disappointed? Haha

2. No new form factor. Hmmm... I always thought that the design for iPhone 4 is a classic. Johnny Ive has done a tremendous job. So why the rush to change it? Considering that ip4 is only 1.5 year old? And apple doesnt change the case design for it's MacBook pro annually isn't it? But hey, they did change the iPad's!

3. Err... That steve was not on the stage :(

Otherwise, I'm happy with the announcement. To me, the change in speed and camera alone is impressive. The changes are :

1. A5 chip. Dual core and almost double the performance. Faster graphics!

2. Faster Internet. This would be cool, if maxis could keep up.

3. Auto antenna selection. Err... I don't know what this is but it sounds cool :)

4. iOS 5. Of course

5. Better camera :) a lot of people say that this is given and almost all the rivals have better spec, thus the disappointment. But hey, improvement is improvement. The ip4 camera is a very good one, Im sure the 8mp, the additional lens element (now there are 5), the bigger aperture (2.4), the IR filter, face detection and Apple's own processor would make this an awesome camera. Btw, ip4 is the most popular camera on flickr. Figure that out.

6. Better video. Now can support 1080p! Cool! and there's anti vibration too.

7. And the killer function? SIRI :) the personal assistant. It's really cool but im sceptical of this until I have my hands on it. Just because I'm not a native English speaker. Im always having problem with speech recognition because of my Malaysian English slang. I hope that Siri is not that fussy and way smarter than the existing technologies. Otherwise, I'm impressed and proud since it's better than Google's Voice Search hehehe.

8. And now it's 64g!!! Yea!!!!

So, the 60k question... am I buying this 4S? Definitely! But only after amassing 2k. Because maxis is expensive. No matter what flavor of iPhone that you want to buy and what kind of contract that you want to sign up for, you still need to fork out around 2k. Unless Ananda received an epiphany of some sort and maxis became more generous in the next few months. Btw, the roll out for Malaysia is not on Apple's calendar yet :( only Singapore. Why! Argggh!! Maybe I should consider other telcos? Hmmmm... Interesting.

Apple and me (should not it be Apple and I ? Haha)

2011-10-04T23:43:00.005+08:00

Another hour, and the world will know the wonderful gadget that Apple has in store for us. The new iPhone. The highly anticipated iPhone. 4s or 5? Or both? Who cares. I personally think that Cuppertino is making way too much money, though I still love Apple. I can't understand the need to change my phone every year. But sadly, right after each and every new product launching, there would be a stir... deeeep inside me saying that..."Hey! I NEED one!"

It's the power of marketing. Or the power of Apple. And I am sure that I am not the only one that would feel that way. A lot of people do and most of these people, public would call the FanBoys. I don't think that I am a FanBoy, though I am definitely an Apple fan. I guess that when it comes to brands, I am a loyalist. Just take Nikon and Herbalife and Timberland and Nike. These are my favorite brands. MCOBA is also a brand hahaha... However, I guess my love for Apple is the stronger ones among these brands, except MCOBA of course.

Apple does take away a lot of my money with their products and those things that are associated with their products like apps and accessories. The funny thing is, I love them all. No matter what people tell me, and no matter how much my friends want to convert me and go to the Dark Side (windows or android, haha) I would stand firm. And I'd stay with Apple. It's kinda interesting that I stayed with Apple through its rough years. I kept my faith even though every one, including Wall Street, said that Apple would file for Chapter 11 or would be taken over by Microsoft or just died. I believed in Apple. Man, I wish I could have such faith in my country nowadays, but that's another issue. But then, did I receive any Apple stock for my loyalty? None. Nada. But I guess that I got this rare satisfaction of saying that all these people were wrong. Hehehe... And of course, I am rewarded with the satisfaction of using gadgets produced by the company I love.

Believe me when I say that Apple products just work. And THAT is very important to me :)

Another day

2011-10-02T10:35:00.001+08:00

A lot of people take another day for granted. Because to a lot of people, another day means another day of routine. Another day of predictable events.

To me however, another day keeps bringing surprises. Sometimes they're good surprises. Sometimes, not so good. But no matter what, my another day is always different. My moods will be different for instance. It's funny, that for someone with my condition, a same event on different days can trigger different reactions. You might say that it is normal, but I guess that with me, the difference is more profound.

So now, another day is looming. I just hope that things are going to get better.

Foursquare?

2011-10-01T12:54:00.001+08:00

I just checked in at Restaurant Manja Bkt Beruntung. And guess what? I unlocked the Overshare badge! Wohoo!! Haha... It's kinda funny about all this hoopla. It's fun, no doubt about that. But what is it for anyway?

I guess that it's a glorified way of recording where one has been to. For what purpose? Record? Hmmm... Can this be used as evidence in court cases? An alibi? It's interesting that something as mundane as recording where one has been can be as fun (ok, obviously it's fun ain't it? If not, I won't be doing this). Technology is fascinating. I wonder what else that they can come up with :)

Tri episode

2011-10-01T09:26:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was a tri episode day. Manic in the morning, depression in the afternoon and manic again at night. I don't recall having a normal day yesterday. The feelings were acute.

When I woke up, things were fine and dandy. I wasn't lonely, had a friend with me. When that person's gone, I was still in an upbeat. Was about to go back to KL when suddenly I saw things in a different perspective. I began to 'see' many things that constitute a normal life which I don't possess. A family. Caring Children. Material possessions. A stable job. And in an instant, my feelings went downhill. It felt like suddenly walking into a hole. And it rested in the whole for several hours until I stepped into my alma mater's ground. Then things picked up again. And as sudden. Somehow, being with the orchestra helped. I just don't know why.

This buoyant mode is nevertheless here today. Not bad. Hope it can stay for the rest of the day to KL and Batu Pahat.

What a roller coaster ride

2011-09-30T16:57:00.002+08:00

Hello friends... it's been hell. It's been heaven. It's been everything in between.... the thing is, my hell is hotter and my heaven is nicer. Right now I am mixed. I was manic this morning. And suddenly depressed this afternoon, and I am right now, a mixed up creature. I even forgot what I actually wanted to write.

It's been more than a year when I last visited these pages. Not that I didn't want to write, it's just that a loty of times, the stories that I wanted to tell, the incidences that peppered my life, had been too personal. That I, a lot of times, just wanted them to remain personal. Deep in my soul. But then, I realize that by doing that, I am actually putting everybody else on the losing side. Not that I am special, but I just want people to know what it feels like to be emotionally unbalanced. What it feels like to have two extremes in one's life. Two opposing extremes. What tortures that a bipolar faces. What happiness that a bipolar feels.

Honestly, I hate myself... for the past several months, I had been writing in a private journal. A fact that I can never run away from. Private means private. But some of my thoughts could be publicly consumed. And these are the thought that I should write down here... Under the big tree.

You see, a bipolar, at least, me, won't be able to be consistent. In fact, that trait alone had single-handedly helped to destroy my life. The inability to be constant. A lot of people don't like surprises. No employer or clients could tolerate surprises. They want a constant predictability. They require status quo. Not that they could not appreciate any special events or things, it's just that a lot of them are dependent on PREDICTABILITY. Life is much easier to handle without unexpected things rearing up their heads and just stir the otherwise calm pot.

That's it... enough writing for today. Believe it or not, my head starts to pound. I'd better stop.

My Mania. Day 3.

2009-12-02T11:46:00.003+08:00

Today is the third day of my mania hehehe... I think it'll be a full day of highs. If not, i'll either have a bout of mix episodes or a total depression. A normal episode will be quite unlikely.

Last night, I went to the MCOBA Penthouse to listen to the Dorm Twenty 2 practicing for the MCOBA Dinner. I had this sugar rush! I even sang when asked... I was in the Karaoke mode (and I couldnt sing!). I felt like dancing and jumping up and down. The only thing that restrained me from doing so was the presence of my friends. I didn't want them to panic when they saw a lunatic in their midst. I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't know what to do... they might call 999 hahaha. It's good though, because now I know that my mania is somehow a bit controllable.

You know what? I think that it's kinda cool to have this disease. (Is this my mania talking? Jeng jeng jeng :-) )

Mania & Accidents

2009-11-30T20:08:00.009+08:00

I had an accident this afternoon. It was my fault. I realized that my Touch n Go was low in credit, and when I reached the Shah Alam toll, and realized that there's this 'Tambah Nilai' lane, I became overly excited and immediately swerved my Kancil to the left; without even noticing a Waja heading right into my left door! Tires screeched, and the smelled of burnt rubber fiiled the air. There was this cringing sound of metal against metal. I didn't even notice whether he sounded his horn or not. In a split second, the driver's face which belong to a mid 30's man was next to me... peering through his window towards my already rolled down left window. He was cursing but I was grinning.

I had no idea why I was grinning. Even though the first thing that came to my mind at that time was: MONEY and HOW AM I GOING TO PAY FOR THIS MESS. But when both of us got out of our cars at the curb after the toll, I immediately said that it was my fault... what? Maybe it was, but hey... he had not accused me yet. Well, it so happened that his car, his front bumper to be exact, was quite badly damaged. We looked at each other and agreed to settle it then and there. So I had to pay him some amount (which was BIG to me since I was broke) but I was still smiling.

Deep in my heart, I was perplexed. Why was I so happy and being indifferent towards the incident? It's an accident for God's sake and a big sum of my hard earned cash had changed hands. Even right now, while writing this, I didn't feel any remorse at all. And there's a smile on my face; not because of the ridiculousness (is there such a word?) of my reaction but because I just cannot help but smile.

I've never felt this way. Or more precisely, I've never realized that I might have felt this way before. Ever since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I had done some non-scientific research on my own. And I'm pleased that right now, I am slowly able to 'distance' and 'detach' myself from the actual depression or mania and recognize that I am experiencing one of them. I guess, this is what they call, controlling it. But to me, the 'it' should actually be called 'The Beast.'

Life

2009-11-29T22:28:00.004+08:00

I haven't visited these pages for ages... yet somehow, they are luring me back. To fill them with my feelings and emotions, with my happiness and sadness.

So here I am, in front of this tiny screen, churning out word after word, describing my life, my experience, my destiny and my fate. it's very tempting for me to say that life is not fair. But on second thought, maybe it's not fairness that we should look at and scrutinize, but its purpose. My Bipolar Disorder had robbed me of a normal and happy life. No, I do not mean that my life now is unhappy, rather, it's not happily normal. Somehow, it's skewed to one side, ever leaning dangerously on the edge of a cliff. The cliff of suicide and death.

I was not a brilliant student when I studied at MCKK. But I was ok. After getting my scholarship to the States to pursue my dream in architecture, I was constantly getting good grades and more than a few times, getting into the Dean's list. But life is... a life. Things changed and so did my life. After 3 years in the states and enjoying a successful career as a student, the table turned. I started to suffer from depression... at least that's what the counselors and doctors told me. when the illness first hit me, I didn't want to see any doctors. I just slept at home. Didn't go to my studio or lectures. Didn't do any assignment and didn't attend any exams. My GPA was 0 (yes, you read it right: ZERO). But I didn't worry at all. What I knew at that time was how to end my life. That's all. Everything was dark. Everything was cold. Negativity breed like mushroom during the rainy season. Filling the voids in my mind and pushing whatever sanity that I had left, out, into the openness of this small midwestern town. None of my friends could do anything... none...zilch. Letters after letters from the Malaysian Students Department at Chicago arrived threatening to end my scholarship, but I was indifferent towards them. Until one of my professors, forced me to see a doctor.

And I was on Zoloft after that.

I was supposed to get better, but I did not. My GPA became like a roller coaster. One semester 3+ and another too low, that many times almost touching 0.0... I had to extend another 2 years due to my instability. I didn't know what was happening to me. But I knew that something was wrong. Seriously wrong. Terribly wrong... But of course, I've never heard about Bipolar. I was just suffering from depression. So, after 7 years of hardships in the state of Iowa, I finally graduated... I was happy, not realizing that the nightmare had not ended; it actually had just begun.

Zombie Days

2009-03-03T18:05:00.002+08:00

These are my zombie days. Had been 4 days of zombying on earth. Doing nothing. Thinking nothing. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Helpless. Useless. Hopeless. Why? My mood swings are not in months or days like before but in hours. In a day, I can have several episodes of mania and depression. The 'Down' episodes. Mostly 'Down'. I am a zombie. Not living. Not dying. Not fluorishing. Not depleting. Just there. Just here. In this zombie world.

Homecoming

2008-12-27T00:10:00.001+08:00

I hate to come home. My old friend, mr loneliness, would be eargerly waiting for my return. He would invite me in, with a smile on his face; the forever charming host. And I would oblige. And does another chapter in my already pathetic life. And sometimes I wonder - should I end this all for good?

Lonely

2008-12-12T20:01:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why someone can be lonely in a colorful and busy environment like this. I wonder why I'm still lonely... Is it me? Is it my face? Attitude?

Sometimes, well, a lot of times, I'd be in denial of the reason. I refuse to admit the real reason for my loneliness. I refuse to admit defeat. Even though, sometimes, admitting defeat would be better than winning the battle.

So why am I lonely?

Cocoon

2008-12-12T09:26:00.001+08:00

I just would like to cocoon myself for now. I'm terrified of the world outside. I'm scared of what might happen. I've somehow become paranoid. Right now, I'm just lying in my bed, with my drug induced brain, curled up like a baby; safe, for the time being, in the womb of my run down flat.

It won't be long, when the anxiety will creep in and tear up my soul. It won't be long, when I feel that the end is the best solution. I long to be held. To be carressed. To be told, in a whisper, that 'everything's gonna be fine' but for now; for now, everything is silent. Silence in the midst of the city and civilization. What I can hear is only my heart beating. And even that, will not be for long.

Advantage

2008-12-06T00:32:00.001+08:00

You know, a lot of times, people would take advantage of me. Young people, old people. I don't really mind but sometimes it's just a bit too much.

I don't think that I'm too nice. No. I guess that I'm desperate. Desperate for company. Desperate for friends. True friends; who font take advantage of me. But beggars can't be choosers. But then, since I also need them, am I not taking advantage of their presence as well?

It's complicated isn't it. Life is so complex. But whatever it is, and how lonely I am, life goes on. Yeah, life goes on.

Does it have to come to this?

2008-12-03T20:24:00.001+08:00

I was approached by this young boy, maybe std 4 who's peddling/selling religious souvenirs to raise fund for his school. I just think that this is pathetic. It has to come to this. I don't want to point fingers but something is definitely wrong with our country. I pity him. But I was angry as well.

Waiting at KLCC

2008-11-30T16:54:00.001+08:00

People wait. We have to wait. We wait for things, for people and for time. I hate to wait. But somehow, this time, I feel peace. Perhaps I've changed and become mellow. Might be. Possible.

Trying again

2008-11-30T16:44:00.001+08:00

Can post?

MCOBA Raya open house

2008-10-25T01:26:00.001+08:00

My attending last night's Mcoba open house was in a way, not planned at all. Somehow, I missed the date. I went to the penthouse not knowing anything about the function. I went there on business. Yet, it was 8 hours well spent.

Not much solving the business problem at hand, the event lifted my spirits. My good mood was decreasing after realizing that I'm gonna be alone again this weekend. But being at the party, surrounded by my old friends and making new ones, had certainly put a smile on my face.

They still remember me :-)

I guess that for the past 2 years, I had forgotten about the power that Mcoba has on me.

It's back, ladies and gentlemen

2008-10-23T09:34:00.001+08:00

Yeah, my feared depression is back. Nothing else matters now. Why? But at least I'm blogging. Something that I seldom do. Nothing interests me anymore. And ending it all did cross my mind Everything is a blur now. Grey and dull. Struggling is futile. I know that I'm jeopardizing my work, but I just can't make myself to care. It's dim in here. And I know, it'll be dark soon. It'd be goodbye then :-(

My defunct engine :-( bye my dear

2008-10-23T08:57:00.001+08:00

2008-09-25T19:19:00.001+08:00

Breaking fast at nando's sg Wang. Quite boring. Not because of the food. But because I'm alone. There is some kind of magic when having a meal with someone else. I guess that's why, I heard somewhere that to the Chinese, one should not dine alone.

Posted with LifeCast

Transnasional curtain

2008-09-22T15:42:00.001+08:00

For an unknown reason, the curtain onboard the southbound bus I was on, doesn't cover the whole window. Hmmm

The kuala Kangsar bus station

2008-09-21T14:00:00.001+08:00

And over here, waiting is the game.

Waiting in kuala

2008-09-21T13:54:00.001+08:00

Honestly, I hate to wait. And right now I've been waiting for 2 hrs at the kuala Kangsar bus terminal. Waiting for my bus to take me to kl. But I guess waiting is a part of life. There are a lot of things that we cannot control. In fact there are nothing that we can really control. If we were that powerful, we'd never allow ourselves to die.

After the attack...

2007-12-18T23:48:00.001+08:00

Last night, I was attacked by a group of 7 or 8 young Malay boys, just because I didn’t hand them my mobile. These motorbiked parasites, which deserved to be burnt in hell for eternity, had walloped me and injured me. Being tackled and punched and hit on the head with a helmet, I was truly helpless. These bastards, these ‘Mat Rempits’, had violated my freedom and my status as a human being. They took my one and only phone, and to some degree, my freedom and my emotional stability. My trusted Moleskine was lost during the attack. I couldn't remember what happened to it. Even though no stitches was needed for my bleeding head, I am suffering from some sort of emotional trauma like I’ve never experienced before. The hurt that I am feeling now is more than physical. It is more than the hurt produced by my bleeding head and the injuries on my legs and back. It is anger, sadness, helplessness, and just downright pity. I see a darker world now. I mistrust people. I hate the crowd and loathe empty and dark spaces. I am scared of being alone. The phone that they took from me was my only instant connection to the world outside. Living alone, physically and emotionally, I depend on the phone to keep me company. I can’t afford to buy a new phone under my present condition and this is the thing that infuriates me. The attackers were FUCKING SON-OF-BITCHES!!!!!!!!!! May them rot in hell, both in this world and hereafter. Amen.

MCOBA Dinner 07

2007-09-25T12:05:00.000+08:00

Me & MCOBA

2007-09-25T11:29:00.001+08:00

MCOBA had been my life. I’ve learnt a lot about life through MCOBA. MCOBA had once become part of the blood that course through my veins.

It was in 1997 when I first came to know MCOBA. Of course I had known it when I was in Koleq, but then, it was too farfetched. Too foreign. Too great. I felt unworthy of it then. Hahaha, I was not even eligible. And when I was studying in the States, I was too busy trying to decide on which road to take in this journey called life. Guess I was a late bloomer. But that’s another story. So in 1997, after being preached by several of my batchmates, I became a lifetime member. I embraced MCOBA. Wholeheartedly.

Since then, I had become a fervent supporter of this little but powerful association. Year after year, I had been involved deeper and deeper. And the deeper I went, the more mystical the experience had become. The more precious was the learning and the more had MCOBA become me, where in 2005, I began to notice that MCOBA was actually, me. The fusion of these 2 souls was not accidental. Everybody knows of the effect of MCKK on her students. The fanaticism. The attachment. And MCOBA is part of MCKK, so to speak. Thus I felt the bonding. MCOBA had become a surrogate lover to me. A kind of sustenance provider that somehow kept my heart beating and my spirit high. MCOBA had become an addiction. The Penthouse was my second home. And for 2 weeks in 2005, it WAS my home. And all these sentiments were mostly due to what it did, rather than what it was.

I felt great respect for MCOBA. MCOBA managed to let me be me. This small entity had let my creativity flow without boundaries. It had let me experiment and find my own tune to dance with. And for an artist, that’s heaven sent. Reciprocating this gesture, I worked for MCOBA like a dog (I was a prefect in 86…) and surprisingly, enjoying it more and more. The tougher it got, the more enjoyable it became. My friends questioned my determination and sacrifice for MCOBA, and most of the time, I answered with only a smile, or just plain “I love MCOBA.” What they didn’t know was the extent to which MCOBA had sacrificed for me. The knowledge, experience and friendship that MCOBA offered me were invaluable. I am a natural introvert. A shy guy with low self esteem. But with MCOBA, I felt liberated. Unshackled. And free.

There were 2 important things that MCOBA did which was responsible in leading me into this intimate relationship. Old Boys Weekend and MCOBA Dinner. Year after year, I’d find myself getting involved in these activities. Even though my depth of involvement differ, my responsibility had been the same – DESIGN. And some years, I got more than just design. One can never comprehend the extend of joy that I felt each time I was given this responsibility. It was fun.

Designing is fun. And it’s my bread and butter. But with MCOBA, it’s more than fun. It’s MAGIC. This sentiment grew out of the fact that I was always given the freedom to design. However, there was another factor that had created this Magic – it’s the camaraderie and brotherhood. It’s the teamwork and cooperation. The sleepless nights. The constant fights. The perpetual bickering. But ironically, the endless smiles. More than once I cried due to joy. It touched my heart so deep and I thanked god for giving me such a wonderful extended family.

Every year, usually in April, my heart would begin its restless wait for the calling of the OBW Committee. And most of the time, I already had the design proposals planned out in my head. Once the appointment was confirmed, BOOM, the design would be ready to be presented. And a lot of times, I felt so proud because my design would become the catalyst for the other team members to work harder. OBW had been more like playing. It’s fun. Not too much stress. Everybody somehow knew what he’s supposed to do without much supervision. After the first year of organizing OBW, it seemed like the committee was on automatic gear. And what fun those years had been. It was very inspiring that we would try to outdo what we had done the year before. Thus, OBW had become bigger and grander. And of course, more enjoyable.

After OBW, which usually took place in June or July, I would nervously wait for the next event, The MCOBA Annual Dinner, which was obviously, THE event of the year for MCOBA. The MCOBA Dinners that I had known over the years were elaborate productions. And it’s one of the reasons why I am so proud to be a MCOBA member. MCOBA Dinner had been the showcase of talents for the old boys. Not only it showcased the talented performers in music and acting, it also boast a high quality production in terms of directing, writing and technical matters. And then the talents of designers, producers, technicians, engineers and numerous other fields that were needed to organize such a big production. And believe it or not, most of these talents had been in house. Home grown. And they were not professionals. And of course, NOT paid. Another thing that always touched my heart whenever I was involved with MCOBA Dinner was the opportunity to see an elderly old boy work closely with another old boy 30 or even 40 years younger. And the respect for each other would be clearly visible. Lines were never crossed. This was so heartwarming. My god, I am so proud of them. Their dedication was legendary. Their commitment was exemplary. The team that produced The MCOBA Annual Dinner year in and year out had been heroes to me. If this beloved country of ours could have citizens who worked as hard, we’d have beaten Japan a long time ago. By the way, why couldn’t we beat Japan?

Langkawi-site

2007-07-27T13:52:00.003+08:00

Under the hot langkawi sun :-)

Train to alor star

2007-07-27T13:52:00.001+08:00

Waiting patiently for the train to arrive in alor star

sojourn in langkawi

2007-07-27T13:48:00.000+08:00

Went to langkawi yesterday. Had to take pictures of the site to be developed. What a hectic day. I took the night train to alor star and reached a.s at 8.30. Then took the cab from a.s to kuala kedah where i boarded the 9.30 ferry to langkawi. Straight went to work upon reaching shore hahaha. Rented a car for 40 bucks, which was quite reasonable.
After taking the pictures i was so tired. Too tired to catch the next train from a.s. But money was depleting. Hmmm. So i searched for cheap but ok hotel for the night. Which proved to be tricky. I didn't realize that good hotels are so expensive! It's normal to find a room that cost 600 per night. And that's not four seasons. THAT ONE is only 1800.00 per room per night PLUS 10% service charge! Crazy. But yeah, international standard. I won't be suprised if langkawi would start using USD like bali. At least bali is more exotic and beautiful. Go figure. But at last, i stayed at eagle bay at kuah town. 109 bucks with breakfast, not that bad.
And now, after a one and a half hour ferry trip and one hour bus from a.s, i find myself waiting for my bus to kuala kangsar from butterworth. I just hope that the chocolates i bought for gift won't melt before given to my friends. Hahaha.

MCOBA dinner 07 mtg

2007-07-24T22:42:00.001+08:00

Some of the attendees. Busy cracking their heads

Wind_PICC2

2007-07-16T18:13:00.001+08:00

Zul and Iss with their team mates, trying to keep calm right before their performance during the finale at picc

Wind_PICC3

2007-07-16T18:11:00.001+08:00

Partying at the hallway :-)

Wind_PICC1

2007-07-16T18:09:00.001+08:00

The president, jijul, briefing the orchestra members before their performance

Wind_PICC4

2007-07-16T18:07:00.001+08:00

Cg Rosman after briefing the team during sound check.

State of the MCWO

2007-07-16T17:42:00.000+08:00

The dust has settled. The fever felt before and during the Finale had subsided. Now it's time to move on. It is time to prepare for next year's challenge. But that's given. What's interesting is the preparation to face the fame and the newly found popularity of the team. Is it good or bad? I can say... neither.

We've never won more than silver since the team was formed in 1997. And for the first time, under the tutelage of Cg Rosman Ngah and coupled with out of this world enthusiasm of the whole team plus the encouragment and support of old boys, teachers and parents, MCWO received the Gold Award during the Preliminary Round. Not oonly we got the Gold, which was the target for 2007, we received the Most Improved Team award as well. But what came as a shock, was when we were selected to be the 5 finalists! That's a step above expectation. way to go.

Fast forward to the Finale at Putrajaya Convention Centre. The team arrived quite late, Saturday night instead of Saturday morning, thus the time for sound check and balancing needed to be cut short. The delay was due to the MCKK Speech Day where YDP Agong was the Guest of Honor and of course, the Orchestra performed and received enthusiastic reviews by the guests that include Raja Nazrin and the Minister of Education, Dato Hishamuddin Hussein, who's also and Old Boy.

On Sunday morning, the team went for balancing at the hall. Somehow the sound was not as anticipated. And the mood was quite... how can I say it... dark. The team felt uncomfortable and unsure. Scared I guess. Nervous maybe. And those feelings resulted in a not-so-memorable sound. Morale was quite low. And the competition was only several hours away.

Somehow the mood changed when we were there that night. I've no idea what kind of medication the kids got themselves :-) And everyone seemed cheery! Cg Rosman and I were quite late, coz we had to go back to SAS to pick up the bow tie box which the boys had forgotten to bring along. The boys were happy and handsome in their mess kits. And they began to converge at the hallway in front of their given prep room. When I checked inside, whoa, the room's divided into 2 and on the other side were the SDARians, also tuning and practising. No wonder we were outside. Hahaha. But come to think of it, why on earth do the organisers gave 2 teams only 1 room? And being an orchestra competition, surely hell would break loose? But we being budak koleq, tend to adapt. The boys didn't mind being outside. And now it looked like a camp ground. Sitting on the floor, the boys were having a good time :-)

In the hall, there were a lot of Old Boys. En Hamdan of MCOBA was at the door, trying to keep note of those Old Boys who had informed MCOBA of their attendance. What a noble thing to do. Thank you En Hamdan. Then I saw so many Old Boys :-) Never before so many Old Boys came to see MCWO perform (pls exclude OBWs) and its very heartwarming!! Thank you brothers!!! Even Pak Engku came.

Back to the waiting room, or err, the waiting hallway, the boys were waiting patiently. One can hear snippets of jokes coming from certain smaller groups and hearty laughter ensued. And finally the time came. The boys were led onto the stage. I went back into the hall and nervously stood with Mon and his videocam. They performed. They performed very well!

And after being told to wait at 2 different places, the boys finally were sent back to the hall and sit at their reserved seats which were filled with girls throughout the competition. And then the result was announced. "Tempat ketiga dimenangi oleh Sekolah...Kolej Melayu Kuala Kangsar!" followed by a loud applause. Loudest from the Old Boys I guess. And the rest is history.

After the finale, a lot of congratulatory messages were given to the team and the teacher. The boys deserved the win. The fact that we had gone 2 steps above our original target which was Gold, speaks a lot about the team. The sheer hard work and dedication of all involved was exemplary. Nearing the tournament, the boys even practised till 1 am night in, night out. they worked hard. and the spirit was high. Their passion shows. To those who questioned why 'Only 3rd place,' should be with the team more often. They should understand the nature and culture of the wind orchestra competitions better. For us to get the 3rd placing when before even Gold was unheard of, is a very commendable achievement. And we trounced SSP, who had been one of the powerhouses. Right now, we are with the big boys. We are on par with those who have the wind orchestra as part of their school tradition.

But of course, we won't sit still. We want to be better. And believe me, the boys have begun their training to face next year's challenge. The form 5s, even though busy preparing for their SPM, are busy teaching the juniors on the ropes of administering the team. The form 4s are busy teaching the young ones. I could hardly find the band room empty when I went back to koleq a few days ago. And the recent surge in the band's membership (mostly form 1 and 2s) is very encouraging. the donations have begun to trickle in. Perhaps now, we want more than 'trickle.' Why not an avalanche? :-)

Depression's back sir

2007-07-04T16:26:00.000+08:00

I am depressed again. It's so weird that when i'm depressed, i always don't know what triggered it. I'd be in the dark regarding the reason for my depression. What i know is that i'd suddenly lose all enthusiasm to do anything. I'd just vegetate. And not willing to perform any task. My brain says that i should not do this, but my body would just refuse. It's mutiny. It's coup de tat. And it's killing me.

Lost

2007-06-29T20:40:00.001+08:00

I'm lost in the crowd. No idea where i am or what i am doing here. I feel outcast. I feel left out. I look around and see that everybody is with someone. A few lonely souls are actually waiting for someone. Why must i be all alone like this? My head hurts. My eyes blur. My mouth dry. I've no idea what's happening to me. I'm going down. Fast.

The devil inside me

2007-06-29T16:47:00.001+08:00

Actually i am worried. The devil in me is running havoc again. And that it's out of control now. It's worse than ever. I'm in perpetual bad mood. Angry all the time. And life just plain sucks.
Perhaps i'm so lonely. Can't seem to find anyone to be with me. I'm too old for everybody. Very frustrated. Wanna watch movie, nobody wants to go with me. I guess, i should just let the devil run amuck. And see what happens.. Good bye

Wind briefing

2007-06-26T21:03:00.001+08:00

The malay college wind orchestra team is having its final briefing before entering the hall during the wind orchestra competition finale at the putrajaya convention center on 24th june 07

Speech day 1

2007-06-23T08:56:00.001+08:00

The TJ Kit team. Exquisitely groomed to welcome SPB Agong at the Malay College speech day

West Wing

2007-06-21T20:18:00.001+08:00

Safely arrived in kuala. Alhamdulillah. And here's my beloved school. West wing on the left and c field in the foreground.

My ride :-)

2007-06-21T13:43:00.001+08:00

Believe it or not, this is my ride to kuala kangsar today! Cool eh?

The curve

2007-06-21T13:41:00.001+08:00

My friend good friend took this pic while waiting for my dory with lobster sauce at secret recipe :-)

Jump start?

2007-06-19T22:06:00.001+08:00

My good friend Mon was trying to jump start his car. Guess what, the battery's less than a day's old! But i guess it's not the GP battery's fault as he couldn't jump start his wira. Poor guy.

Love?

2007-06-19T20:09:00.000+08:00

I always thought that by giving love and showing love, i can get some back. How immature that belief is. Now i realize that that's not the case. Sometimes, the more love i give, the hate i received. Sometimes it saddened me. Why can't i receive love like other people? Or am i receiving it without knowing? Can't be. But at last, i have to succumb to fate. That i've no power over anything. That i have to be content being alone like this. But i am thankful that at least i know that god is forever loving. So, Till that day comes. The day that promises eternity.

Movies

2007-06-19T00:01:00.000+08:00

Like movies? I love movies. No matter what genre and the origin. Movies are reflections of our lives. It can also shed light on our aspirations as humans. Some Movies give us hope and some leave us in despair. It's a totally different world in the movies. It's a world of possibilities. A world without boundaries. A world without limits.

Radio commercial

2007-06-17T11:39:00.000+08:00

There's this commercial on radio where a soothing voice described a situation where nobody would help an old lady with a cane. I know that it's a serious commercial but something weird struck me. What if everybody suddenly wanted to help? What would happen? And it'd be humorous if everybody starts to carry and hoist the poor lady a la rock star! :-) i know that i'm being mean, but hey, sometimes it's just funny what some of these commercials could trigger in your mind. Forgive me ok? I just have a weird imagination hehehe

Berita buat kawan

2007-06-16T13:31:00.001+08:00

On the bus now. Going back to batu pahat to visit my parents. And right now the radio's playing Berita buat kawan. And all the memories came flooding back :-) this ebiet g ade's masterpiece was very popular in the early 80s. Back in koleq then, about 20 years ago, this song always accompanied us during our cheering trips outstation. I can still remember the exciting trips we took to ipoh, taiping, sg siput and other places. Just to support our teams. Didn't matter whether it's soccer, rugby, volleyball or basketball or hockey. We cheered them all! Hmmm those were the days :-)

Journey begins

2007-06-16T11:11:00.001+08:00

A lot of times, the innocence of a child can bring tears to my eyes. How beautiful and pure is a child's mind. Not corrupted. Not influenced.

Sometimes, nothing is ever enough

2007-06-16T02:42:00.001+08:00

And that is human. So hard to feel contented with what we have. So hard to be satisfied with what we own. But truly, do we own anything at all? Don't think so. Because if we do own all the things that we have, then the lost and found section would close shop.

Nothing would ever get lost. We'd have TOTAL CONTROL over our belongings that they would never get lost. And of course, would never break down either. And that's what owning is. Total ownership. But of course, we don't have such control. Sometimes, things do get lost no matter how much we take care of them.

The truth is, we never own anything. Nothing in this world is ours. Not even our bodies. No. Not even our souls. No.

Zoom

2007-06-16T01:56:00.001+08:00

Actually, just like our lives. It just zooms us by.

Lights

2007-06-16T01:41:00.001+08:00

Lights. Wonderfully sweet. Tantalizingly beautiful. Yet so many of us are blind, unable to discern a lighted path and a dark alley. We are always confused and disoriented. We are always doubtful of our instinct. Yet we are so attuned to pleasure and forever seeking it. Pleasure. Lust. That to some, mean everything in life. The force of life. The meaning of life. Only if.. Only if they know better

blogging from my mobile

2007-06-15T20:08:00.000+08:00

This is cool :-) to be able to blog from my mobile. Can't believe how far we, as humans, had gone in technology. Yet, still not powerful enough to stop diseases. And of course, nobody can live forever. So much for power. Guess who's the most powerful of all? :-)

Scout mtg

2007-06-15T19:45:00.001+08:00

Scout exhibition mtg. A&W petaling jaya. From the left is doc, hamid n jakli. Hardworking people :-)

ESQ 8

2007-06-15T19:38:00.001+08:00

At Istana Hotel during the ESQ Training Angkatan 8.