Revenge of the manic

I guess that when I'm manic but there's something that bothers me, I would CHALLENGE it. And being avengeful towards it where in the end, I'd do something stupid.

Anatomy of Loneliness

Sometimes I forget how lonely loneliness can be. Many times I just couldn't remember how devastating loneliness can become. More than a few occasions I witnessed that loneliness triggered my depression episodes.

Loneliness is such a cruel entity. It has no empathy. No sympathy. It doesn't possess any feelings. Loneliness is merciless. At least to me.

In my loneliness, I always find cruelty. With my loneliness, I always discover dishonesty. It is rabid. It is savage. The monstrosity called loneliness is so terrible that the nightmare always keep me company for nights in a row.

I wish that my loneliness could go away. But perhaps, if it did go, would a more terrible type of loneliness keep me company??

Time for a little manic

After 3 weeks of hard-core-suicidal laced depression, I'm tasting a little manic today. Actually it started yesterday when I was offered a very incredible offer for a place to stay in kl. And of course, because I met someone new.

But sadly, my manic made me spent almost all the little money I had. And now I'm broke again! Shit!! Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I be like the rest? The normal people? I'm having difficulty adjusting with my depression, and the manic episodes... just make it worse.

Oh my mighty God... help me please :'(

Left alone

I feel like a pariah. It's one of the worst moments in my life and I'm mostly left alone. I don't know whether they really hate me, fed up with me or just plain annoyed. But the fact is... they left me alone.

Come to think of it, I've always been left alone. When I was young, in my early 20s, I thought that I am a social misfit. It turned out that my illness did make me one. It's hard for people to understand me. It's difficult for them to connect to me. I could be charming but sooner than later, I could be so cold and detached.

Social life seems to evade me. And my personal life suffers. My loneliness seems to be unbearable during my best days :(

Why

I am heartbroken. Truly, seriously, tremendously, absolutely HEARTBROKEN. I am devastated. I am ruined. Destroyed. Annihilated.

Why did you do it? :'(

It's been 3 weeks

It's been 3 weeks since the tragedy. A tragedy that struck deep at the core of my soul. An incident that left me shaking all over and tears keep running every single day.

It hurts. It hurts so much that to describe the pain is futile. I can never get over this. Never. Not in a million years. Not ever.

To the responsible You, how could you do this to me. A fragile being, i am begging to be with you. Just want to be somebody to someone. It's something that I need. Why a sudden turn about? Why an abrupt stop. Why.

For now, I feel that I am bleeding. Will you be able to stop my blood from flowing out of my system? Would you allow this to become fatal? Would you have any mercy at all? Yes You. You.

Hate

There's nothing more I can say.
I hate myself.
Tremendously.