What a roller coaster ride

Hello friends... it's been hell. It's been heaven. It's been everything in between.... the thing is, my hell is hotter and my heaven is nicer. Right now I am mixed. I was manic this morning. And suddenly depressed this afternoon, and I am right now, a mixed up creature. I even forgot what I actually wanted to write.

It's been more than a year when I last visited these pages. Not that I didn't want to write, it's just that a loty of times, the stories that I wanted to tell, the incidences that peppered my life, had been too personal. That I, a lot of times, just wanted them to remain personal. Deep in my soul. But then, I realize that by doing that, I am actually putting everybody else on the losing side. Not that I am special, but I just want people to know what it feels like to be emotionally unbalanced. What it feels like to have two extremes in one's life. Two opposing extremes. What tortures that a bipolar faces. What happiness that a bipolar feels.

Honestly, I hate myself... for the past several months, I had been writing in a private journal. A fact that I can never run away from. Private means private. But some of my thoughts could be publicly consumed. And these are the thought that I should write down here... Under the big tree.

You see, a bipolar, at least, me, won't be able to be consistent. In fact, that trait alone had single-handedly helped to destroy my life. The inability to be constant. A lot of people don't like surprises. No employer or clients could tolerate surprises. They want a constant predictability. They require status quo. Not that they could not appreciate any special events or things, it's just that a lot of them are dependent on PREDICTABILITY. Life is much easier to handle without unexpected things rearing up their heads and just stir the otherwise calm pot.

That's it... enough writing for today. Believe it or not, my head starts to pound. I'd better stop.

My Mania. Day 3.

Today is the third day of my mania hehehe... I think it'll be a full day of highs. If not, i'll either have a bout of mix episodes or a total depression. A normal episode will be quite unlikely.

Last night, I went to the MCOBA Penthouse to listen to the Dorm Twenty 2 practicing for the MCOBA Dinner. I had this sugar rush! I even sang when asked... I was in the Karaoke mode (and I couldnt sing!). I felt like dancing and jumping up and down. The only thing that restrained me from doing so was the presence of my friends. I didn't want them to panic when they saw a lunatic in their midst. I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't know what to do... they might call 999 hahaha. It's good though, because now I know that my mania is somehow a bit controllable.

You know what? I think that it's kinda cool to have this disease. (Is this my mania talking? Jeng jeng jeng :-) )

Mania & Accidents

I had an accident this afternoon. It was my fault. I realized that my Touch n Go was low in credit, and when I reached the Shah Alam toll, and realized that there's this 'Tambah Nilai' lane, I became overly excited and immediately swerved my Kancil to the left; without even noticing a Waja heading right into my left door! Tires screeched, and the smelled of burnt rubber fiiled the air. There was this cringing sound of metal against metal. I didn't even notice whether he sounded his horn or not. In a split second, the driver's face which belong to a mid 30's man was next to me... peering through his window towards my already rolled down left window. He was cursing but I was grinning.

I had no idea why I was grinning. Even though the first thing that came to my mind at that time was: MONEY and HOW AM I GOING TO PAY FOR THIS MESS. But when both of us got out of our cars at the curb after the toll, I immediately said that it was my fault... what? Maybe it was, but hey... he had not accused me yet. Well, it so happened that his car, his front bumper to be exact, was quite badly damaged. We looked at each other and agreed to settle it then and there. So I had to pay him some amount (which was BIG to me since I was broke) but I was still smiling.

Deep in my heart, I was perplexed. Why was I so happy and being indifferent towards the incident? It's an accident for God's sake and a big sum of my hard earned cash had changed hands. Even right now, while writing this, I didn't feel any remorse at all. And there's a smile on my face; not because of the ridiculousness (is there such a word?) of my reaction but because I just cannot help but smile.

I've never felt this way. Or more precisely, I've never realized that I might have felt this way before. Ever since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I had done some non-scientific research on my own. And I'm pleased that right now, I am slowly able to 'distance' and 'detach' myself from the actual depression or mania and recognize that I am experiencing one of them. I guess, this is what they call, controlling it. But to me, the 'it' should actually be called 'The Beast.'

Life

I haven't visited these pages for ages... yet somehow, they are luring me back. To fill them with my feelings and emotions, with my happiness and sadness.

So here I am, in front of this tiny screen, churning out word after word, describing my life, my experience, my destiny and my fate. it's very tempting for me to say that life is not fair. But on second thought, maybe it's not fairness that we should look at and scrutinize, but its purpose. My Bipolar Disorder had robbed me of a normal and happy life. No, I do not mean that my life now is unhappy, rather, it's not happily normal. Somehow, it's skewed to one side, ever leaning dangerously on the edge of a cliff. The cliff of suicide and death.

I was not a brilliant student when I studied at MCKK. But I was ok. After getting my scholarship to the States to pursue my dream in architecture, I was constantly getting good grades and more than a few times, getting into the Dean's list. But life is... a life. Things changed and so did my life. After 3 years in the states and enjoying a successful career as a student, the table turned. I started to suffer from depression... at least that's what the counselors and doctors told me. when the illness first hit me, I didn't want to see any doctors. I just slept at home. Didn't go to my studio or lectures. Didn't do any assignment and didn't attend any exams. My GPA was 0 (yes, you read it right: ZERO). But I didn't worry at all. What I knew at that time was how to end my life. That's all. Everything was dark. Everything was cold. Negativity breed like mushroom during the rainy season. Filling the voids in my mind and pushing whatever sanity that I had left, out, into the openness of this small midwestern town. None of my friends could do anything... none...zilch. Letters after letters from the Malaysian Students Department at Chicago arrived threatening to end my scholarship, but I was indifferent towards them. Until one of my professors, forced me to see a doctor.

And I was on Zoloft after that.

I was supposed to get better, but I did not. My GPA became like a roller coaster. One semester 3+ and another too low, that many times almost touching 0.0... I had to extend another 2 years due to my instability. I didn't know what was happening to me. But I knew that something was wrong. Seriously wrong. Terribly wrong... But of course, I've never heard about Bipolar. I was just suffering from depression. So, after 7 years of hardships in the state of Iowa, I finally graduated... I was happy, not realizing that the nightmare had not ended; it actually had just begun.

Zombie Days

These are my zombie days. Had been 4 days of zombying on earth. Doing nothing. Thinking nothing. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Helpless. Useless. Hopeless. Why? My mood swings are not in months or days like before but in hours. In a day, I can have several episodes of mania and depression. The 'Down' episodes. Mostly 'Down'. I am a zombie. Not living. Not dying. Not fluorishing. Not depleting. Just there. Just here. In this zombie world.

Homecoming

I hate to come home. My old friend, mr loneliness, would be eargerly waiting for my return. He would invite me in, with a smile on his face; the forever charming host. And I would oblige. And does another chapter in my already pathetic life. And sometimes I wonder - should I end this all for good?

Lonely

Sometimes I wonder why someone can be lonely in a colorful and busy environment like this. I wonder why I'm still lonely... Is it me? Is it my face? Attitude?

Sometimes, well, a lot of times, I'd be in denial of the reason. I refuse to admit the real reason for my loneliness. I refuse to admit defeat. Even though, sometimes, admitting defeat would be better than winning the battle.

So why am I lonely?

Cocoon

I just would like to cocoon myself for now. I'm terrified of the world outside. I'm scared of what might happen. I've somehow become paranoid. Right now, I'm just lying in my bed, with my drug induced brain, curled up like a baby; safe, for the time being, in the womb of my run down flat.

It won't be long, when the anxiety will creep in and tear up my soul. It won't be long, when I feel that the end is the best solution. I long to be held. To be carressed. To be told, in a whisper, that 'everything's gonna be fine' but for now; for now, everything is silent. Silence in the midst of the city and civilization. What I can hear is only my heart beating. And even that, will not be for long.

Advantage

You know, a lot of times, people would take advantage of me. Young people, old people. I don't really mind but sometimes it's just a bit too much.

I don't think that I'm too nice. No. I guess that I'm desperate. Desperate for company. Desperate for friends. True friends; who font take advantage of me. But beggars can't be choosers. But then, since I also need them, am I not taking advantage of their presence as well?

It's complicated isn't it. Life is so complex. But whatever it is, and how lonely I am, life goes on. Yeah, life goes on.

Does it have to come to this?

I was approached by this young boy, maybe std 4 who's peddling/selling religious souvenirs to raise fund for his school. I just think that this is pathetic. It has to come to this. I don't want to point fingers but something is definitely wrong with our country. I pity him. But I was angry as well.