Loneliness. A friend.

I am just tired of being lonely. I'm exhausted. fatigue fills every fiber in me. Frustration. Anger. I don't believe that anyone should be lonely. I can't accept it. Yes, I do have friends and family. But the company that has been eluding me since I was a kid had been… a lover. That is a BIG word. It possesses so many connotations, both good and bad. Positive and negative. Yet, the true meaning is the same. Someone whom you love and loves you back. Such a simple concept. Yet… so elusive.

I have no idea what I should do now. Like I said, I'm out of breath. I'm out of energy to pursue that holy grail of relationship. I am out of the race. And I am getting older. I do miss many people… too many in fact. Those whom I thought could become someone to share my life with. Alas, not a single one of them. They fled… a lot of times even before I opened my mouth. They just ran away. Trying to escape this monster in front of them. Couldn't believe their eyes, they ran and ran. Faster and faster towards the horizon. And I was left alone. Again.

Losing it

Suddenly I've lost interest in everything. Don't like to watch movies anymore. Somehow reading makes me sleepy. Surfing the net seems tiring. I just cannot concentrate on anything anymore. What I know is how lonely I am. So lonely that it's as if I'm the only one on earth. Scary.

I realize that this is the beginning of a depression episode. Am I ready for another ride down the hill of life??

The forgotten pain

Sometimes, I'd forgot about the pain of bipolar. Sometimes, that would be good. But today, it's not. I had been manic these past few days. So happy to get to kuala and got involved with the two groups I love most - wind orchestra and the prefects. The joy in helping them was spiritually sublime.

But then, the table turned when I got to kl. This was when my loneliness suddenly reared its head. Without any warning. And I got caught... unexpected. You might ask, what has loneliness got to do with my illness? Everything. For years, loneliness has been one of the major factors in my depression. A trigger. A cause.

And when this depression arrives, it'd be so painful that many times I just couldn't stand it anymore. Suicidal thoughts always follow loneliness. Hopelessness. Helplessness. It's just total chaos. Albeit a quiet one.

Drugs anyone?

When the power of Lexapro and Epilim kicked in, I'd be transported into the land of dreams. It's the realm of slowness and grogginess. I'd be forgetful. Everything seems to be in slow motion. I hate it.

Revenge of the manic

I guess that when I'm manic but there's something that bothers me, I would CHALLENGE it. And being avengeful towards it where in the end, I'd do something stupid.

Anatomy of Loneliness

Sometimes I forget how lonely loneliness can be. Many times I just couldn't remember how devastating loneliness can become. More than a few occasions I witnessed that loneliness triggered my depression episodes.

Loneliness is such a cruel entity. It has no empathy. No sympathy. It doesn't possess any feelings. Loneliness is merciless. At least to me.

In my loneliness, I always find cruelty. With my loneliness, I always discover dishonesty. It is rabid. It is savage. The monstrosity called loneliness is so terrible that the nightmare always keep me company for nights in a row.

I wish that my loneliness could go away. But perhaps, if it did go, would a more terrible type of loneliness keep me company??

Time for a little manic

After 3 weeks of hard-core-suicidal laced depression, I'm tasting a little manic today. Actually it started yesterday when I was offered a very incredible offer for a place to stay in kl. And of course, because I met someone new.

But sadly, my manic made me spent almost all the little money I had. And now I'm broke again! Shit!! Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I be like the rest? The normal people? I'm having difficulty adjusting with my depression, and the manic episodes... just make it worse.

Oh my mighty God... help me please :'(

Left alone

I feel like a pariah. It's one of the worst moments in my life and I'm mostly left alone. I don't know whether they really hate me, fed up with me or just plain annoyed. But the fact is... they left me alone.

Come to think of it, I've always been left alone. When I was young, in my early 20s, I thought that I am a social misfit. It turned out that my illness did make me one. It's hard for people to understand me. It's difficult for them to connect to me. I could be charming but sooner than later, I could be so cold and detached.

Social life seems to evade me. And my personal life suffers. My loneliness seems to be unbearable during my best days :(

Why

I am heartbroken. Truly, seriously, tremendously, absolutely HEARTBROKEN. I am devastated. I am ruined. Destroyed. Annihilated.

Why did you do it? :'(

It's been 3 weeks

It's been 3 weeks since the tragedy. A tragedy that struck deep at the core of my soul. An incident that left me shaking all over and tears keep running every single day.

It hurts. It hurts so much that to describe the pain is futile. I can never get over this. Never. Not in a million years. Not ever.

To the responsible You, how could you do this to me. A fragile being, i am begging to be with you. Just want to be somebody to someone. It's something that I need. Why a sudden turn about? Why an abrupt stop. Why.

For now, I feel that I am bleeding. Will you be able to stop my blood from flowing out of my system? Would you allow this to become fatal? Would you have any mercy at all? Yes You. You.