the Pain

It really hurts being a bipolar. When you're depressed, it hurts then and there. When you're manic, it hurts later due to the consequences of your actions. Right now I'm hurting because I'm seriously down. It's difficult to explain the kind of hurt that depression brings. It is profound.

I just realized that when you are a bipolar sufferer, you are using two dictionaries in your life - the positive words and the negative ones. It seems that the ordinary-generic-everybody-use dictionary has been thrown into the trash. It's an either-or world. Nothing in between. Just now, I overheard my parents talked about those who will be going for the pilgrimage to Mecca this year. The ONLY thing that crossed my mind at that time was how lucky they were and how unlucky I was. Then my mind would be more active with the notion that I could NEVER be like them, that I am doomed FOREVER. And of course, the envy that I can never be NORMAL like them. All this self pity flooded my mind and ushered me into a darker world.

I cannot think straight. The fact that I am writing this is beyond my understanding. My fingers are moving on this keyboard as if in an auto mode. I don't know what I am thinking. I certainly do not know what I am doing. For all I know, it's all gibberish.

But one thing that I can assure you of my feelings... it is Hurt. A total pain that cannot be described. It can only be felt. It can only be experienced. For this particular pain is like chipping one's own body, little by little, each passing day, until in the end, the body just disappears. And yet the worst part is that, the chipping pain continues....