Homecoming

I hate to come home. My old friend, mr loneliness, would be eargerly waiting for my return. He would invite me in, with a smile on his face; the forever charming host. And I would oblige. And does another chapter in my already pathetic life. And sometimes I wonder - should I end this all for good?

Lonely

Sometimes I wonder why someone can be lonely in a colorful and busy environment like this. I wonder why I'm still lonely... Is it me? Is it my face? Attitude?

Sometimes, well, a lot of times, I'd be in denial of the reason. I refuse to admit the real reason for my loneliness. I refuse to admit defeat. Even though, sometimes, admitting defeat would be better than winning the battle.

So why am I lonely?

Cocoon

I just would like to cocoon myself for now. I'm terrified of the world outside. I'm scared of what might happen. I've somehow become paranoid. Right now, I'm just lying in my bed, with my drug induced brain, curled up like a baby; safe, for the time being, in the womb of my run down flat.

It won't be long, when the anxiety will creep in and tear up my soul. It won't be long, when I feel that the end is the best solution. I long to be held. To be carressed. To be told, in a whisper, that 'everything's gonna be fine' but for now; for now, everything is silent. Silence in the midst of the city and civilization. What I can hear is only my heart beating. And even that, will not be for long.

Advantage

You know, a lot of times, people would take advantage of me. Young people, old people. I don't really mind but sometimes it's just a bit too much.

I don't think that I'm too nice. No. I guess that I'm desperate. Desperate for company. Desperate for friends. True friends; who font take advantage of me. But beggars can't be choosers. But then, since I also need them, am I not taking advantage of their presence as well?

It's complicated isn't it. Life is so complex. But whatever it is, and how lonely I am, life goes on. Yeah, life goes on.

Does it have to come to this?

I was approached by this young boy, maybe std 4 who's peddling/selling religious souvenirs to raise fund for his school. I just think that this is pathetic. It has to come to this. I don't want to point fingers but something is definitely wrong with our country. I pity him. But I was angry as well.