Homecoming

I hate to come home. My old friend, mr loneliness, would be eargerly waiting for my return. He would invite me in, with a smile on his face; the forever charming host. And I would oblige. And does another chapter in my already pathetic life. And sometimes I wonder - should I end this all for good?

Lonely

Sometimes I wonder why someone can be lonely in a colorful and busy environment like this. I wonder why I'm still lonely... Is it me? Is it my face? Attitude?

Sometimes, well, a lot of times, I'd be in denial of the reason. I refuse to admit the real reason for my loneliness. I refuse to admit defeat. Even though, sometimes, admitting defeat would be better than winning the battle.

So why am I lonely?

Cocoon

I just would like to cocoon myself for now. I'm terrified of the world outside. I'm scared of what might happen. I've somehow become paranoid. Right now, I'm just lying in my bed, with my drug induced brain, curled up like a baby; safe, for the time being, in the womb of my run down flat.

It won't be long, when the anxiety will creep in and tear up my soul. It won't be long, when I feel that the end is the best solution. I long to be held. To be carressed. To be told, in a whisper, that 'everything's gonna be fine' but for now; for now, everything is silent. Silence in the midst of the city and civilization. What I can hear is only my heart beating. And even that, will not be for long.

Advantage

You know, a lot of times, people would take advantage of me. Young people, old people. I don't really mind but sometimes it's just a bit too much.

I don't think that I'm too nice. No. I guess that I'm desperate. Desperate for company. Desperate for friends. True friends; who font take advantage of me. But beggars can't be choosers. But then, since I also need them, am I not taking advantage of their presence as well?

It's complicated isn't it. Life is so complex. But whatever it is, and how lonely I am, life goes on. Yeah, life goes on.

Does it have to come to this?

I was approached by this young boy, maybe std 4 who's peddling/selling religious souvenirs to raise fund for his school. I just think that this is pathetic. It has to come to this. I don't want to point fingers but something is definitely wrong with our country. I pity him. But I was angry as well.

Waiting at KLCC

People wait. We have to wait. We wait for things, for people and for time. I hate to wait. But somehow, this time, I feel peace. Perhaps I've changed and become mellow. Might be. Possible.

Trying again

Can post?

MCOBA Raya open house

My attending last night's Mcoba open house was in a way, not planned at all. Somehow, I missed the date. I went to the penthouse not knowing anything about the function. I went there on business. Yet, it was 8 hours well spent.

Not much solving the business problem at hand, the event lifted my spirits. My good mood was decreasing after realizing that I'm gonna be alone again this weekend. But being at the party, surrounded by my old friends and making new ones, had certainly put a smile on my face.

They still remember me :-)

I guess that for the past 2 years, I had forgotten about the power that Mcoba has on me.

It's back, ladies and gentlemen

Yeah, my feared depression is back. Nothing else matters now. Why? But at least I'm blogging. Something that I seldom do. Nothing interests me anymore. And ending it all did cross my mind Everything is a blur now. Grey and dull. Struggling is futile. I know that I'm jeopardizing my work, but I just can't make myself to care. It's dim in here. And I know, it'll be dark soon. It'd be goodbye then :-(

My defunct engine :-( bye my dear

Breaking fast at nando's sg Wang. Quite boring. Not because of the food. But because I'm alone. There is some kind of magic when having a meal with someone else. I guess that's why, I heard somewhere that to the Chinese, one should not dine alone.

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Transnasional curtain

For an unknown reason, the curtain onboard the southbound bus I was on, doesn't cover the whole window. Hmmm

The kuala Kangsar bus station

And over here, waiting is the game.

Waiting in kuala

Honestly, I hate to wait. And right now I've been waiting for 2 hrs at the kuala Kangsar bus terminal. Waiting for my bus to take me to kl. But I guess waiting is a part of life. There are a lot of things that we cannot control. In fact there are nothing that we can really control. If we were that powerful, we'd never allow ourselves to die.