Mania & Accidents

I had an accident this afternoon. It was my fault. I realized that my Touch n Go was low in credit, and when I reached the Shah Alam toll, and realized that there's this 'Tambah Nilai' lane, I became overly excited and immediately swerved my Kancil to the left; without even noticing a Waja heading right into my left door! Tires screeched, and the smelled of burnt rubber fiiled the air. There was this cringing sound of metal against metal. I didn't even notice whether he sounded his horn or not. In a split second, the driver's face which belong to a mid 30's man was next to me... peering through his window towards my already rolled down left window. He was cursing but I was grinning.

I had no idea why I was grinning. Even though the first thing that came to my mind at that time was: MONEY and HOW AM I GOING TO PAY FOR THIS MESS. But when both of us got out of our cars at the curb after the toll, I immediately said that it was my fault... what? Maybe it was, but hey... he had not accused me yet. Well, it so happened that his car, his front bumper to be exact, was quite badly damaged. We looked at each other and agreed to settle it then and there. So I had to pay him some amount (which was BIG to me since I was broke) but I was still smiling.

Deep in my heart, I was perplexed. Why was I so happy and being indifferent towards the incident? It's an accident for God's sake and a big sum of my hard earned cash had changed hands. Even right now, while writing this, I didn't feel any remorse at all. And there's a smile on my face; not because of the ridiculousness (is there such a word?) of my reaction but because I just cannot help but smile.

I've never felt this way. Or more precisely, I've never realized that I might have felt this way before. Ever since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I had done some non-scientific research on my own. And I'm pleased that right now, I am slowly able to 'distance' and 'detach' myself from the actual depression or mania and recognize that I am experiencing one of them. I guess, this is what they call, controlling it. But to me, the 'it' should actually be called 'The Beast.'