Revenge of the manic

I guess that when I'm manic but there's something that bothers me, I would CHALLENGE it. And being avengeful towards it where in the end, I'd do something stupid.

Anatomy of Loneliness

Sometimes I forget how lonely loneliness can be. Many times I just couldn't remember how devastating loneliness can become. More than a few occasions I witnessed that loneliness triggered my depression episodes.

Loneliness is such a cruel entity. It has no empathy. No sympathy. It doesn't possess any feelings. Loneliness is merciless. At least to me.

In my loneliness, I always find cruelty. With my loneliness, I always discover dishonesty. It is rabid. It is savage. The monstrosity called loneliness is so terrible that the nightmare always keep me company for nights in a row.

I wish that my loneliness could go away. But perhaps, if it did go, would a more terrible type of loneliness keep me company??

Time for a little manic

After 3 weeks of hard-core-suicidal laced depression, I'm tasting a little manic today. Actually it started yesterday when I was offered a very incredible offer for a place to stay in kl. And of course, because I met someone new.

But sadly, my manic made me spent almost all the little money I had. And now I'm broke again! Shit!! Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I be like the rest? The normal people? I'm having difficulty adjusting with my depression, and the manic episodes... just make it worse.

Oh my mighty God... help me please :'(

Left alone

I feel like a pariah. It's one of the worst moments in my life and I'm mostly left alone. I don't know whether they really hate me, fed up with me or just plain annoyed. But the fact is... they left me alone.

Come to think of it, I've always been left alone. When I was young, in my early 20s, I thought that I am a social misfit. It turned out that my illness did make me one. It's hard for people to understand me. It's difficult for them to connect to me. I could be charming but sooner than later, I could be so cold and detached.

Social life seems to evade me. And my personal life suffers. My loneliness seems to be unbearable during my best days :(

Why

I am heartbroken. Truly, seriously, tremendously, absolutely HEARTBROKEN. I am devastated. I am ruined. Destroyed. Annihilated.

Why did you do it? :'(

It's been 3 weeks

It's been 3 weeks since the tragedy. A tragedy that struck deep at the core of my soul. An incident that left me shaking all over and tears keep running every single day.

It hurts. It hurts so much that to describe the pain is futile. I can never get over this. Never. Not in a million years. Not ever.

To the responsible You, how could you do this to me. A fragile being, i am begging to be with you. Just want to be somebody to someone. It's something that I need. Why a sudden turn about? Why an abrupt stop. Why.

For now, I feel that I am bleeding. Will you be able to stop my blood from flowing out of my system? Would you allow this to become fatal? Would you have any mercy at all? Yes You. You.

Hate

There's nothing more I can say.
I hate myself.
Tremendously.

Loneliness...

Loneliness is such a cliched condition that a lot of times it'd be met with cynical laughter. It's a condition of hopelessness. It's a situation where no other means of not being alone has been exhausted. I hate being in that situation. But a lot of times, I found myself in there... alone.

Many people told me that 'it's all in my mind' and loneliness is a sign of weakness. But let me ask you this (and trying hard not to open up a pandora's box), why is it do bad to be weak? And what type of weakness that's frown upon? Is the weakness to feel down when alone is so bad? That somehow its putting oneself down so low that there's not even a hope to go back up again??

It just doesn't want to leave me alone

Less than an hour ago I felt calm and contentment. I knew that I was feeling normal. But now... depression is creeping in. Slowly. Ever so swiftly. I have no idea what started it. I couldn't pin point on anything. Yet, this feeling is so strong and so affecting. I hate this feeling. It puts a scorn on my face. It droops my eyes. It shortens my temper. It just creates so much negativity in me. And I am hopeless against it. What I can do is to wait for the rage to pass :(

Normal

I guess that I am normal today. And right now, what am I feeling? Contentment. Pure bliss of this life and what it has offered me so far. Gone is the feeling of hatred and loathing. Gone is the feeling of sadness. Gone is the feeling of overconfident. It's just nice now. Peaceful.

I'm Manic now

A lot of my friends asked me what it feels like to be manic. Well, it's hard to describe actually. But I guess, let me just write down what I am feeling now. Right at this moment. I realized that I am attacked by the manic zombies a few hours ago, when I couldn't seem to be able to stop talking. I would just talk, talk, talk and keep on talking. From one topic to another. To whomever was there around me. And I would feel that my mind was racing; also from one topic to another. Trying to solve one problem and realizing that I have another problem, and my mind would drift to the newer set of problems without solving the previous one. Weird isn't it? And then, intermingling with these problems, which I somehow manage to handle with a big smile on my face, are the hopes and ideas. Ideas ranging from the truly modest to the outright bizarre. Like wanting to start directing movies hahaha (though right now, it seems VERY LIKELY that I would succeed).

My mind seems to be jumping all over the places. With glee. And the scary part is that, it's NOT ONLY my mind... my physical being is also infected by this optimism and happy bug. I feel like running, singing, dancing and scampering hahaha. The world has suddenly become so bright with enthusiasm and optimism  :)  Nothing seems to be able to destroy this feelings (though I realize how wrong I am about that). I am a happy, contented but ambitious ghoul. A ghoul, that's who I am... like Casper, the happy ghost hehe. Happy as a clam (why a clam? Beats me)

I believe that I should be leveraging this manic episodes and make full use of it. This would be the time to face customers and explore new grounds as I am fearless. But then, whenever I am manic, like right now, I would feel that my mind just cannot stay put. It seems to have a mind on its own (that's funny, considering that a 'mind' has 'a mind on its own' hahaha) I can't concentrate. I would make blunders and mistakes which I would not immediately regret, because at that time, I would be so optimistic that NOTHING could do me harm. Pergh... what a thought.

Well, there it is, and I'd better stop this as my mind has begun to fly and perch on something else... take care you all!!! And have a nice day!!!  :)

Chaos

If asked to explain what I'm feeling right now, I can say that it's a complete chaos. I'm feeling everything. One after another. Hate, love, frustration, amazement, lost, anger... all mixed up and interchangeable.

I seldom feel this way. Only lately, this unexplainable kind of feeling, tends to overwhelm me. It's sadistic to the core as I'm at total lost of who I am. It seems that I'm losing my identity. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know why I'm here. And I don't know what I should do.

I loathe this feelings. This feeling of uneasiness. Of uncertainty. Of total confusion. I hate myself for feeling this way. And I hate myself more for not being able to control it.

When two parties fight

A lot of times, a rift between two parties is due to misunderstanding. A preventable cause I guess. It is sad when two parties begin to squabble. Accusations fly like there's no tomorrow. Paranoia rules the heart and the soul. Bad blood is definitely... bad.

Whenever two party quarrels, it's always those in between who feel the heat. Because those two parties are in their own worlds trying to outdo each other. It is the bystanders and those at the periphery who are caught between a rock and a hard place. No kidding.

the Pain

It really hurts being a bipolar. When you're depressed, it hurts then and there. When you're manic, it hurts later due to the consequences of your actions. Right now I'm hurting because I'm seriously down. It's difficult to explain the kind of hurt that depression brings. It is profound.

I just realized that when you are a bipolar sufferer, you are using two dictionaries in your life - the positive words and the negative ones. It seems that the ordinary-generic-everybody-use dictionary has been thrown into the trash. It's an either-or world. Nothing in between. Just now, I overheard my parents talked about those who will be going for the pilgrimage to Mecca this year. The ONLY thing that crossed my mind at that time was how lucky they were and how unlucky I was. Then my mind would be more active with the notion that I could NEVER be like them, that I am doomed FOREVER. And of course, the envy that I can never be NORMAL like them. All this self pity flooded my mind and ushered me into a darker world.

I cannot think straight. The fact that I am writing this is beyond my understanding. My fingers are moving on this keyboard as if in an auto mode. I don't know what I am thinking. I certainly do not know what I am doing. For all I know, it's all gibberish.

But one thing that I can assure you of my feelings... it is Hurt. A total pain that cannot be described. It can only be felt. It can only be experienced. For this particular pain is like chipping one's own body, little by little, each passing day, until in the end, the body just disappears. And yet the worst part is that, the chipping pain continues....

When depression begins

One thing that I hate whenever my depression takes me is the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and that sense of doom. I woke up today with that peculiar 'out of sorts' feeling. I was ok when I went to bed last night and it seems that suddenly, everything in my life is problematic.

Somehow, this morning, it dawned on me how f**ked up my life is... and has been. Today, even a simple thing becomes a burden. Every small thing becomes a big problem. Every smile is sinister or mocking. Everything is just plain wrong. And somehow, instead of solving these 'newfound' problems, I always have the tendency to make them worse.

I am tired. No, I'm exhausted.

So, it is not a 5

Apple announced their latest iPhone incarnation last night, well, yesterday morning, at Cupertino. And it disappointed a lot of people. Haha. Well, they were expecting iPhone 5 or BOTH, the 5 and 4S. Hmmm... Am I disappointed?

Well, yes and no. Yes, because I'd been reading (and believing) all the rumors. I make a note to myself not to do this again. On hindsight, I'm surprised that none of the rumor mentioned that iPhone can make dinner for you. I was frustrated at first that the announcement did not :

1. Introduce iPhone 5. But then, what if apple were to name this iPhone 4S as iPhone 5? Would I be less disappointed? Haha

2. No new form factor. Hmmm... I always thought that the design for iPhone 4 is a classic. Johnny Ive has done a tremendous job. So why the rush to change it? Considering that ip4 is only 1.5 year old? And apple doesnt change the case design for it's MacBook pro annually isn't it? But hey, they did change the iPad's!

3. Err... That steve was not on the stage :(

Otherwise, I'm happy with the announcement. To me, the change in speed and camera alone is impressive. The changes are :

1. A5 chip. Dual core and almost double the performance. Faster graphics!

2. Faster Internet. This would be cool, if maxis could keep up.

3. Auto antenna selection. Err... I don't know what this is but it sounds cool :)

4. iOS 5. Of course

5. Better camera :) a lot of people say that this is given and almost all the rivals have better spec, thus the disappointment. But hey, improvement is improvement. The ip4 camera is a very good one, Im sure the 8mp, the additional lens element (now there are 5), the bigger aperture (2.4), the IR filter, face detection and Apple's own processor would make this an awesome camera. Btw, ip4 is the most popular camera on flickr. Figure that out.

6. Better video. Now can support 1080p! Cool! and there's anti vibration too.

7. And the killer function? SIRI :) the personal assistant. It's really cool but im sceptical of this until I have my hands on it. Just because I'm not a native English speaker. Im always having problem with speech recognition because of my Malaysian English slang. I hope that Siri is not that fussy and way smarter than the existing technologies. Otherwise, I'm impressed and proud since it's better than Google's Voice Search hehehe.

8. And now it's 64g!!! Yea!!!!

So, the 60k question... am I buying this 4S? Definitely! But only after amassing 2k. Because maxis is expensive. No matter what flavor of iPhone that you want to buy and what kind of contract that you want to sign up for, you still need to fork out around 2k. Unless Ananda received an epiphany of some sort and maxis became more generous in the next few months. Btw, the roll out for Malaysia is not on Apple's calendar yet :( only Singapore. Why! Argggh!! Maybe I should consider other telcos? Hmmmm... Interesting.

Apple and me (should not it be Apple and I ? Haha)

Another hour, and the world will know the wonderful gadget that Apple has in store for us. The new iPhone. The highly anticipated iPhone. 4s or 5? Or both? Who cares. I personally think that Cuppertino is making way too much money, though I still love Apple. I can't understand the need to change my phone every year. But sadly, right after each and every new product launching, there would be a stir... deeeep inside me saying that..."Hey! I NEED one!"

It's the power of marketing. Or the power of Apple. And I am sure that I am not the only one that would feel that way. A lot of people do and most of these people, public would call the FanBoys. I don't think that I am a FanBoy, though I am definitely an Apple fan. I guess that when it comes to brands, I am a loyalist. Just take Nikon and Herbalife and Timberland and Nike. These are my favorite brands. MCOBA is also a brand hahaha... However, I guess my love for Apple is the stronger ones among these brands, except MCOBA of course.

Apple does take away a lot of my money with their products and those things that are associated with their products like apps and accessories. The funny thing is, I love them all. No matter what people tell me, and no matter how much my friends want to convert me and go to the Dark Side (windows or android, haha) I would stand firm. And I'd stay with Apple. It's kinda interesting that I stayed with Apple through its rough years. I kept my faith even though every one, including Wall Street, said that Apple would file for Chapter 11 or would be taken over by Microsoft or just died. I believed in Apple. Man, I wish I could have such faith in my country nowadays, but that's another issue. But then, did I receive any Apple stock for my loyalty? None. Nada. But I guess that I got this rare satisfaction of saying that all these people were wrong. Hehehe... And of course, I am rewarded with the satisfaction of using gadgets produced by the company I love.

Believe me when I say that Apple products just work. And THAT is very important to me :)

Another day

A lot of people take another day for granted. Because to a lot of people, another day means another day of routine. Another day of predictable events.

To me however, another day keeps bringing surprises. Sometimes they're good surprises. Sometimes, not so good. But no matter what, my another day is always different. My moods will be different for instance. It's funny, that for someone with my condition, a same event on different days can trigger different reactions. You might say that it is normal, but I guess that with me, the difference is more profound.

So now, another day is looming. I just hope that things are going to get better.

Foursquare?

I just checked in at Restaurant Manja Bkt Beruntung. And guess what? I unlocked the Overshare badge! Wohoo!! Haha... It's kinda funny about all this hoopla. It's fun, no doubt about that. But what is it for anyway?

I guess that it's a glorified way of recording where one has been to. For what purpose? Record? Hmmm... Can this be used as evidence in court cases? An alibi? It's interesting that something as mundane as recording where one has been can be as fun (ok, obviously it's fun ain't it? If not, I won't be doing this). Technology is fascinating. I wonder what else that they can come up with :)

Tri episode

Yesterday was a tri episode day. Manic in the morning, depression in the afternoon and manic again at night. I don't recall having a normal day yesterday. The feelings were acute.

When I woke up, things were fine and dandy. I wasn't lonely, had a friend with me. When that person's gone, I was still in an upbeat. Was about to go back to KL when suddenly I saw things in a different perspective. I began to 'see' many things that constitute a normal life which I don't possess. A family. Caring Children. Material possessions. A stable job. And in an instant, my feelings went downhill. It felt like suddenly walking into a hole. And it rested in the whole for several hours until I stepped into my alma mater's ground. Then things picked up again. And as sudden. Somehow, being with the orchestra helped. I just don't know why.

This buoyant mode is nevertheless here today. Not bad. Hope it can stay for the rest of the day to KL and Batu Pahat.

What a roller coaster ride

Hello friends... it's been hell. It's been heaven. It's been everything in between.... the thing is, my hell is hotter and my heaven is nicer. Right now I am mixed. I was manic this morning. And suddenly depressed this afternoon, and I am right now, a mixed up creature. I even forgot what I actually wanted to write.

It's been more than a year when I last visited these pages. Not that I didn't want to write, it's just that a loty of times, the stories that I wanted to tell, the incidences that peppered my life, had been too personal. That I, a lot of times, just wanted them to remain personal. Deep in my soul. But then, I realize that by doing that, I am actually putting everybody else on the losing side. Not that I am special, but I just want people to know what it feels like to be emotionally unbalanced. What it feels like to have two extremes in one's life. Two opposing extremes. What tortures that a bipolar faces. What happiness that a bipolar feels.

Honestly, I hate myself... for the past several months, I had been writing in a private journal. A fact that I can never run away from. Private means private. But some of my thoughts could be publicly consumed. And these are the thought that I should write down here... Under the big tree.

You see, a bipolar, at least, me, won't be able to be consistent. In fact, that trait alone had single-handedly helped to destroy my life. The inability to be constant. A lot of people don't like surprises. No employer or clients could tolerate surprises. They want a constant predictability. They require status quo. Not that they could not appreciate any special events or things, it's just that a lot of them are dependent on PREDICTABILITY. Life is much easier to handle without unexpected things rearing up their heads and just stir the otherwise calm pot.

That's it... enough writing for today. Believe it or not, my head starts to pound. I'd better stop.